HIDDEN WELL | the struggle with untapped energy

Thoughts On Solitude

JOURNAL ENTRY 05/25

I just finished reading a book by Willa Cather that clearly and beautifully explained what I sometimes feel. That feeling of dread about the mundane life, following every social rule, expectation, and decision. I am married, I have two kids, I care for my home, and yet, how can I be unsatisfied? It’s not about regret; it’s more about untapped, untried energy. A purpose or inspiration that seems impossible. A well of dreams and motivations—no, the real word is spirit. This energy courses through my veins, untapped and constantly limited by domestic demands. 

At this moment, my kids are preparing for school, constantly asking questions, making weird noises, and making strange faces. I can feel the lid closing—that grating sound of stone against stone. The glittering water in the deep grows darker and darker until it disappears, hidden. Then it's gone. That spirit, that sense of bravery, the thrill and imaginative force, is shut away in the depths. 

The lid that enclosed the well of my spirit had been opened recently. There was a feeling of promise, imagination, and potential in the openness and freedom of my mind. I fed off that energy for a whole afternoon. New ideas flooded my thoughts, and I was inspired in ways I had not been for some time. But in an instant, the rhythm was gone.  The stone covered the well of inspiration, and the energy was gone. 

I must be careful, oh so careful not to let myself resent my domestic life. I adore my husband and love my children dearly. I would sacrifice anything I have for them, and yet there are times I long for solitude. Sometimes I need a break from the everyday and to give space for the engine of creativity to hum for a moment. 

The challenge with time and inspiration is that I rarely feel inspired, even when I am alone, yet I can feel deeply inspired when I am between dropping kids off at school and soccer practice, sitting in the car, while everyone is talking to me. How can I tap into my creative energy while life is happening around me? I am still in the training phase, and maybe one day I will find a better balance—one that lets me be a good mother and wife while also accessing the well of energy that’s often hidden in the dark. 

Cover Image: Thomas Wijck. Water well near a house, 1626 - 1677. The Rijksmuseum